It's been a long two weeks. One important thing I've learned is that we all need to be happy that we don't understand what it's like for people who live with a weight like this on their shoulders and their brain. Who feel as if they are fighting cancer every day. Who feel as though no matter how hard they try (and believe me ... they try) - the weight just doesn't get any lighter.
Sometimes I feel a hint of it. When I remind myself that I have to accept that he's not going to barrel into the kitchen asking for food. And I want to cry and it hurts deep deep inside.
But I'm lucky. I can look at some pictures of Zane and laugh at his videos of ridiculousness and that weight subsides - at least for that moment.
So when you see me smile, it's ok. It doesn't mean my heart isn't broken. I means I'm choosing to try to smile rather than cry.