In trying to make sense of this, a friend said to me that we can't judge the quality of someone's life by longevity. Not everyone's life is a marathon. I don't remember much of the rest of the conversation, but that part stuck with me. For Zane, life wasn't a marathon. But it was an amazing 18+ year sprint. We saw amazing things, went to wonderful places, surrounded by love from friends and family. Life wasn't perfect, but it sure was wonderful. And wonderful to have him there. Today we will take time to cry, to laugh, and to not say goodbye, but rather thanks. Thanks for the love. And that we will miss you every day. And that I always have and always will love you. I'm glad that I had you for as long as I did. Love "Your Mom"
A Beach Goodbye
Zane would have turned 19 on July 17. To celebrate his life, we are going to the beach on the 16th to have some donuts, spread some of his ashes into the sea, and remember the love and happiness that he brought into our lives. If the winds allow, we will be sending some candle lit, eco-friendly lanterns into the ocean.
Zane would not have wanted this to be a big production. I thought originally to ask everyone to send off a balloon in his honor. But that's not good for the environment. So perhaps the better thing would be to have a donut in his honor. And post a picture to our Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/shinelikethesunzane/ He would get a kick out of that. And that makes me smile.
What I've Learned So Far
It's been a long two weeks. One important thing I've learned is that we all need to be happy that we don't understand what it's like for people who live with a weight like this on their shoulders and their brain. Who feel as if they are fighting cancer every day. Who feel as though no matter how hard they try (and believe me ... they try) - the weight just doesn't get any lighter.
Sometimes I feel a hint of it. When I remind myself that I have to accept that he's not going to barrel into the kitchen asking for food. And I want to cry and it hurts deep deep inside.
But I'm lucky. I can look at some pictures of Zane and laugh at his videos of ridiculousness and that weight subsides - at least for that moment.
So when you see me smile, it's ok. It doesn't mean my heart isn't broken. I means I'm choosing to try to smile rather than cry.
My Pledge to Zane
I am going to make sure my heart is filled with love and not sorrow. And that Sammy in particular learns by example that you don't have to walk around heartbroken to be heartbroken. Extreme sadness and extreme happiness aren't mutually exclusive. They are co-existent. Please join me in that goal.